Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Two things of note happened recently. Both were rare and interesting experiences, and both changed my perspective on living in Japan in subtle yet meaningful ways.

Firstly, some pictures were taken of me recently that I was embarrassed to see. Yep. I managed to embarrass myself, rather than just the usual "strangers", "my friends" or "my poor, suffering mother".

So, of course, I'm posting the pictures.

Incidentally, one of the secrets of karaoke is not to sing songs that you like, but rather songs that are sung by people who are only 3893 times as vocally talented as you, rather than the songs that are sung by people who are 283939 times as talented as you.

For example:

Bad: Seal
Better: Green Day

Some Songs by popular bands may go well because everyone will automatically join in. This saves you having to hear your own voice for at least some of the session. Just remember to pick songs that you KNOW everyone knows.

Bad: Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Revolution #9
Better: Hey Jude, Let It Be

Anyway, I've discovered that if you happen to dredge up some serious 80's stadium rock, it can go reasonably well... or not. The bad news is that there's really no sure way to tell how well you can sing a particular song beforehand.

In my experience...
Bad: Bon Jovi
Better: Guns and Roses.

Surprisingly, a vaguely falsetto "knockin' on heaven's door" can be bearable and hysterically funny. Especially if you take it really really seriously when you are stretching out the chorus bits...

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Hrmm... I also saw some cool stuff.

I'll write more about what I'm smiling at in this picture soon.

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私は英語の先生日本語の学生、ね? ”この写真は登富士山ですから。”

Friday, August 25, 2006

Acting your age: optional

One of the most enjoyable thing about Japan, at least from the perspective of a westerner, is the complete ability of the Japanese to dismiss the western concept of masculine maturity.

In the west, there is a significant amount of effort put forth by some to be a "manly man" and to do "manly things". While this has certainly helped sell freeweights and camaros, it has on occasion reduced the amount of fun being had by the average adult male.

This idea has shown up in such things as the cartoon police force, the reading of comic books by grown men, and the fact that I can ride a one speed bike with a basket and no crossbar. This is not to say that Japan doesn't have its own idea of what it means to be an archetypical man, but merely that many things that *I* believe most western men would frown on are totally accepted here.

For example, I recently had the pleasure of attending a Barbeque party organized by my illustrious friend Atsushi (or "飯田富-さん" as he's known to the 日本人 locals.

Fun was indeed had by all.

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Now, Atsushi is not technically a twenty-something party boy, but you would never know it to meet him. He stays out all night, has fun and generally is a great guy to spend time with. I have never met anyone in my life who laughs at their physical age the way Atsushi does.

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Check out that style, ladies!

Let's put it straight: I don't think any reasonably mature businessmen in North America would be caught dead jumping on a makeshift trampoline with a fair share of glasses of wine in them.

Here he is bouncing around with one of his best chums (and teacher!) Nick

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Mad Juggling David also joined in the party.

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This thing we are bouncing on is called a "jumping board". It's kind of like a safer, Japanese version of log rolling. You'd better believe that I got involved.
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Later on, we engaged in some more serious fun - SMASHING WATERMELONS!

This is apparently some sort of traditional Japanese idea, to blindfold someone, spin them around a bunch of times, then guide them to the watermelon.

Let's just say that success fell somewhat along gender lines.

For example,

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...and Emily...

...Seemed to fare rather well.

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...and Takyua...

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...were not so hot at it.

Seriously, there are a great many things that you can do in Japan that simply wouldn't work anywhere else in the world.

For example, you could try to look dangerous while holding a 99 yen folding fan.

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Seriously! Fans are cool for men here. You just need to make sure you put your wrist into it.

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Log rolling: In Canadian stereotypes, two lumberjacks would jump on a log in the water and try to knock each other off. Very Crazy.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Police: Scary, but only in person

The Japanese cops can be a bit scary when you are staring them in the eye and worrying about whether they will seize your bike or toss you in jail, but when it comes to safety pics, they take the edge off a bit by replacing the "polite but suspicious officer" with a cute teddy bear!

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Incidentally, making things look cute is an important skill in japan.

Take the following situations...

1) your teeth are possessed.

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2) Lightning bolts shoot from the ceiling and light your brother on fire while he's playing his guitar.

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3) A really creepy guy contemplates waiting until the girls move past massage before joining in.

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Virtual Intelligence

My internet went down for a few days, so I tried my hand at emailing directly from my cell phone, rather than emailing posts to myself and wildly cutting and pasting them.

Alas, "moblogging" is too intelligent of a word for me (it looks like mo'blogging as in "more blogging!" or mob logging, as in "taking notes as we all burn a witch at the stake". Furthermore, the actual practice of "moblogging" is far too much for me as well. I need to do some rejigging or something and fiture out what "error 30837πr^2" is before I can actively spread insanity on the go.

A thought: this technology will allow me to post WHILE drinking. Suddenly, I feel like those kids who shoot roman candles off while holding them. It looks really fun, probably IS really fun, and will be basically safe 99.9% of the time. But that .1% mistake? It will REALLY suck.

Maybe error 30837πr^2 is in everyone's best interest.

So, anyway dear reader, now that the internet is BACK, I will go ahead and post my caps-lock bereft cell phone thoughts for your reading pleasure. You will have to PRETEND that I was smart enough to post by cell phone.

To help you with this monumental task, I have gone ahead and e-used my e-powers of e-time travel to change the dates on the previous posts. e-ha ha ha! It's VIRTUALLY like I'm intelligent, ne?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


i got pulled over again by a cop while biking last night! fortunately it was the same cop as last time, and he certainly remembered the sweaty white dude with the big grin and the abundance of hand gestures. he sent me on my merry way with a smile and an admonition to make sure that my light was on (it hadnt been).

unfortunately, im getting overconfident. i passed the cops again tonight, and i stopped just long enough to pull out my alien card and wave it at them from across the street. after that, i flashed a big thumbs up, yelled "konbanwa!!!" (good evening!!!) and took off on my bike without a look back.

in retrospect, its a damn good thing the cops didnt give chase!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

moblogging: hipster without a choice

so, my internet connection is on the fritz.

much like any difficulty with everyday life, the problem is heavily magnified by total inability to communicate anyone who can help me with the problem.

these situations (eg i need help) used to include riding the train and ordering lunch, but now they're limited to less common situations.

like saying "ethernet cable" in japanese. admittedly, i could probably say "RJ-45" to english and japanese people with about the same success rate.

*if you have boobies, or saw them in high school, "RJ45" is that cable that you get email, news and porn through. you know.. with the plastic dohickey that plugs into the dodad.

i'm bilingual, you see.

anyway, i try to use these experiences to help motivate myself to learn more japanese... but frankly its just easier to ask for help.

so i had quite the lost in translation adventure: i explained the technical problem in simple english to my manager, who explained the problem in simple japanese. the tech then answered in complicated japanese and complicated computerglish (see above). my mg understood the japanese, but had to check the computerglish with me. i explianed the computerglish, and then she explained the entire thing in simple english.

after just short of fifteen minutes, we arrived at....

"it's a problem for the entire building, so it should be fixed in a day or two. "

Friday, August 18, 2006

Fireworks: a tangental narrative, with Video!

I'm always amazed at the ability of the Japanese to take something everyone knows and loves and manage to make some drastic improvements.

Today's exhibition of Japanese improvement is a bit strange, because I think that this improvement was made a few hundred years ago, and we just haven't managed to catch on yet. That's right folks, we'll be taking a look at how the J-folk set off fireworks.

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The first area of improvement (over Canada, anyway) is a pretty straightforward one: making fireworks legal, seemingly whenever anyone feels like setting them off.

What a brilliant idea.

I happen to live near a river, where gobs of high school and university kids are eager to blow off steam (and perhaps the occasional hand?) by shooting roman candles out over the river. From my perspective, I happen to enjoy sitting by the river anyway, and the prospect of a free fireworks show just makes things better.

Now, that said, the J-folk have also decided to make an upgrade to the whole "public holiday" thing, and have taken the fireworks show to the max. All around Japan are fireworks festivals where the municipal governments throw some serious bucks into a fireworks show for everyone to enjoy.

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I've been to two shows, one in Yokohama and one right near my home on the Tama River, and both were mind boggling. For two or three hours, they fire amazing gunpowder art into the sky for the enjoyment of the masses.

The explosions were amazing, and they even did things like change colours and patterns after exploding...

...or change directions!

Of course, even more amazing is the fact that the fireworks people (fireworkers??) have managed to scuplt amazing shapes - like glasses, faces and hearts - rather than simple round explosions.

Unfortunately, they still haven't mastered getting the image to appear in any particular direction.

Maybe next year.

Of course, the simple explosions are nothing to scoff at either - the best way to make a round exploding ball compete with a picture of a Japanese cartoon character?

Easy. Make it F'ing huge.

It's really quite great. Thousands of people from the local area converge on the fireworks (usually near the water from what I've seen) and snack on eel, fried noodles, and (in our case anyway) drink a whole whack of wine.

And what, pray tell, could make this better?

Sweet Robes. That's what.

In Japan, it's traditional to wear a "Yukata" when going out to watch fireworks. While these were traditionally bedroom attire, they have been thoughtfully repurposed into the best chillaxing gear since the toga. Want to know how cool they are? Let me use a simple rhetorical question:

What if Hugh Hefner was a Samurai?

Yeah. Yukatas are that cool.

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From the left:
1) a whole lot of interested fireworks-watching j-folk
2) my new co-worker/protege/rumoured lover, Andy
3) my iron-fisted, overbearing boss, Lucy, who totally reads this blog and is going to be F'ing pissed that I introduced her as such.
4) my very best Japanese photo pose.

That night, my good buddy and King of All Props David managed to somehow bring The Hef, a Samurai and Harvard University all together. Here he is posing with Goshiko, who has repeatedly asked not to be named here.

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After the 'werks were all finished, we hit up a local izakaya for some yummy seafood.
Dave and I enjoyed some yummy bite sized soft shell crabs. They go crunch.

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It's good to be on top of the food chain!

At the end of the night, I got picked up. Whee!

...by David.

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Best thing to come out of the evening: a new phrase.

Go Go Gaijin (noun!)

ps: Goshiko gets to be Penny.
pps: Inspector Gadget always said "Go Go Gadget (spy tool name). Much like the bumbling Inspector Gadget, I am always willing to put my dignity on the line for your amusement.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Sweet Japan Pics #8: WHAT THE FLYING !"#$&%?!?

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Shit. This gets even more disturbing upon closer inspection.

1) I have no idea what hyalurone is. Some sort of chemical? Virgin remover? Who knows.

2) The small logo up top says "Placen Extract", which implies that this is CONCENTRATED placenta.

3) This seems to be designed to be applied to the face.

Maybe they're Scientologists.

Sunday, August 13, 2006


I learned a few wonderfully insightful things about the Japanese police the other day. Unfortunately for me, I learned them through experience.

Here are the lessons I learned:

1) Always carry your Alien Registration Card and/or passport.

2) Even when you are excercising.

3) YES. EVEN at 2:30 in the morning.

4) ESPECIALLY if you are riding a bike, because sometimes the police will randomly stop people who are riding bikes and check the bike's (and owner's) identification.

#5 and 6) See number 2 and 3 above.

7) Rules 1 through 6 might be even more applicable if the bike you are riding is not actually registered to your name, but rather to a girl who lived in a different apartment than you do, in a different part of the city, who has already returned to America.

8) See rule number 7, but imagine that you don't actually know anything about the person in question except their gender, the VAGUE area where they live.

8b) You can guess that their name is/was "Laurie", but you'll be wrong if you do. (It was actually "katie", as I found out later).

So, the backstory to how I learned rules number 1 though 8b is this:

My dear friend Geoff Sensei, with whom I spent a great deal of enjoyable time, happened to move into an apartment whose previous owner had taken the time to acquire a bike. The key was left on the counter, and the bike locked up outside.

Geoff proceeded to get a lot of excercise while walking by the bike every day and pondering whether he should go to the trouble of changing (ie. pumping up) the tires. He never did. But, he was nice enough to help me out when I was interested in getting myself a bike.

So, anyway, for the past six months, I have been happily riding this wonderful contraption all over my local area for both business (eg commuting) and pleasure (eg, riding like a madman along the river while wearing neon and listening to radiohead). I had heard that bikes are supposed to be registered, but when I tried to register it, the only thing I could do at the police station was point and say "registration" . A friendly chap tried to help me, but ended up trying to by me a parking pass instead. This little twenty minute mishap lead to him probably giving up on any future opportunites to help confused foreigners, and me giving up on registering the bike.

Alas, it was not a good decision on my part. I haven't followed up on the other guy either.

But I digress. As usual. Back to the whole I-got-booked-by-the-police story.

After being flagged down, I pulled over. I did my very best "I'm confused but harmless and panting heavily so please just send me on my way" face. They looked at me, but didn't take the bait. When they pointed at my bike's little yellow registration number my heart sank.

This was going to go badly. So, I took a deep breath, and tried to explain my situation in broken japanese, (with lot of gesturing).

Here's about what I said:

私は英語の先生です。 (COMPANY NAME)はあぱあと。。。give! あぱあと と ままちぇり は。。。give! before 先生 は アメリカ人。。。私のともだちは...give. いま先生はアメリカです。

I am a teacher....(COMPANY NAME) give apartment! apartment and bike give! before teacher is american. give! now...old teacher is in america!

That actually worked pretty well.

If by "pretty well" you mean "OMG...call for backup", that is.

After I couldn't get through to the two regular cops, they took the time to call for their superiors to deal with my ridiculous situation.

Let's recap:

-No ID
-Not the Bike's owner
-Strange time to be riding
-Crazy story in a language you don't understand.

So, basically, the probably should just have gone ahead and arrested me, deported me, or taken my bike, or heck...all three. In fact, they were remarkably nice about the whole thing. After all, I'm still blogging, so you know that the "deported" thing didn't happen, anyway.

At about this point, I ended up getting a hold of my co worker with a wonderful text that read:

you awake? i've been stopped by the police about my bike. (smiley face)

/later she would tell me that this message was a great example of how to make proper use of "the present perfect passive tense" and that it would probably make it into her lessons.

Anyway... she called me and we had a nice three-way conversation with just one phone. Everybody explained what they had to say, and the cops nodded and said ok, and that they understood, and that I just needed to wait a little longer.

So, he hung up the phone and waited. We made some vague jokes with our limited communication abilties. I said (in Japanese) I was sorry for the difficulty and my bad japanese, and he said "difficult" a lot, and then I said I would study more. Then we both agreed that it was a nice night. After a few しょがないs (shogannai?... is kind of like "Such is life", "oh well", "it can't be helped" and "Shit happens" all rolled into one.)... we came to the end of our functional communication and started over again at the beginning.

After a bit of this, I was saved by Kaori, who got worried and called back:

B: Moshi Moshi?
K: Are you ok? Is everything alright?
B: Yeah...I'm still with the cops...er... ok... gotta go. There's a squad car pulling up.
K: What? Why?
B: No idea. Gotta go! I'll call you if they try to deport me, ok? Bye!

The senior guy ended up speaking a bit more english, so I told my "Me Sensei, Friend Give." story again. They called head office and had someone start checking out my vague story, and they piled me into the cop car to head back to my apartment to check out that I actually gave them my real address.

Having seen that I was who I claimed to be, and that I had a key to the apartment that I claimed to have, and having received word that my story basically checked out, all was good. In the end, I guess they decided that I was both too cheerful and too uh... baka... to have any malicious intent. So they drove my sketchy ass back to the bridge where they'd stopped me, and sent me on my merry way a scant 90 minutes after I'd been originally pulled over.

/Crazy words:

Booked - when the police put information about you into their big ol' book. Arrested, detained, stopped, etc, by the police.
OMG - Oh My God!

Thursday, August 10, 2006


This post is proudly presented by the "What the hell were you thinking" department, with special support from the "COME ON!" crew.

My new co-worker, Andy, is a thoughtful gentleman. He certainly appreciates the finer things in life. In the case of Japan, the "finer things" are things which can be horribly misinterpreted.

With this forward, I would like to present my new Shoe Horn. While it is highly functionally useful, I feel that it is a little too umm... anatomically accurate.

So... see for yourself. What's wrong with this picture?

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Where do I start?

How about about the general shape. This is... passable. I understand that a shoehorn has a certain shape that can be - in profile - simmilar to a certain man-related organ.

So.. sketchy at best.

But, then we have the "boots". Come on people. This is a shoehorn with BIG BLACK BALLS. Isn't that enough for the analogy?

Yes. It looks like a cock.

Maybe its a function of the fact that all adult videos are pixelated here (eg, you can have crazy cartoon schoolgirl porno out in the main video section, but it has to be fuzzy when she has sex with the crazy tentacle demon)... so maybe people are unfamiliar with why this might be misinterpreted?

I guess so. I'm a naughty boy, so I instantly make leaps of logic that most people would never consider.

But still... it's shaped like a cock with big black balls!

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Oh... but is that enough? To have a cock shaped shoehorn? No siree, Bob!
Oh no... we have to give it a HAPPY FACE. Just to make sure that you feel good about sticking a plastic cock into your shoes... it can be a happy cock. This is part of the general need to anthopomorphize everything in existance: EVERYTHING gets a face.

Car accident photos: An unhappy train smashing into a sad boulder.
Environmentalism on the train: A train with a face grinning at really really cheerful solar panels with faces.
Learning to poop? Check the video in the post below.

Proof that in Japan, a face can be put on ANYTHING

an·thro·po·mor·phism (n)
an·thro·po·mor·phic (adj)

1) Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena.

2) Putting faces on shit and making it laugh.

I remember when I learned how to poop, and I was totally ripped off compared to this kid. For example:

1) None of my body functions ever had theme songs.

2) There is no way that any of my excrement has ever thanked me.

3) The celebration of my first successful pooping experience was limited to something along the lines of "Good Job!".

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Best Sushi EVAR

I happen to like eating sushi VERY much.


I happen to like eating VERY much.

There. Fixed that.

Anyway, fortunately for me and my well earned spot on the food chain, Japan is awash in 'eatable' things. And...most wonderful of these things in my eyes happens to be a delightfully vegan-innapropriate dish callled sushi. If you aren't a sushi fan already, I admit that the concept of eating raw or mostly raw fish is a strange one at first.

Allow me to present a simple analogy to convince you to join the side of truth and flavour:

If you order a very expensive steak, would you order it well done?

I thought not. And...if you said "yes" or "maybe"... then you need to re-examine your life.

Anyway, much like keeping the centre of a steak pink (bloody) means better flavour, the same is true for eating fish. Eating fish raw is just taking that rationalle to the nth degree.

In any case, recently, I had the pleasure of enjoying the greatest sushi in the world.

I know that this is a bold claim, and I still have much exploration to do... but... let me put things in perspective: I paid 400 yen for a single piece of tuna, and felt that I got my money's worth. Every single yen. And I'm going back.

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This is a picture of the "basic" tuna nigiri, with a crab nigiri on the same plate. In the background, you can see a combo of fish that have been quickly seared with a blowtorch. This seems a bit strange for a place that specializes in NOT cooking its fish, but searing the fat for a second reallllly brings out the flavour.


Tokyoites: The place is called Midori Zushi, and its in on the west side of Tokyo.

From Shinjuku, take the Odakyu line to Umegaoka. Take the north exit (ironically, with the McDonalds Sign), hang a left, then veer off to the right when the street splits. Walk a few minutes down the street until you see the line of hungry people wrapped around the building. Get in the line. Expect to wait between 15 and 30 minutes or so, and expect the place to be worth every minute.

For Baka Gaijin: Go to Umegaoka. Start harassing fearful locals with "SUE ME MASS SEN!!! Midori Zushi wa DO-KO dessss kahh?" until someone points you to the big line. Wait in it. Eat. Smile. Pay. "SUE ME MASS SEN!!!" your way back to the station.

Overall, the price is actually quite reasonable for what you get. I dropped about 3000 overall...but you could easily stay under that or go WAY over, depending on what you eat. For example, eating lots of the "Ultimate Fatty Tuna" will tip your bill northward.

For non-tokyoites:

Well, visit me. Or drool at the picture.


Brent's handy "difficult english explanation section:

the nth degree. : from math. To the maximum/to go on forever.

awash: "swimming in" ... To be awash in money = to have lots of money.

eatable: I'm making your life difficult again - this isn't really a word. In this case, it means "things you can eat". Adding -able to a verb means "you can do this"... eg "machine washable" clothing can be washed in a machine. Or... "Convertable" Convert - to change. Thus, the car that changes from having a roof to not having a roof; A Convertable.

The correct word is actually "edible".

tip your bill northward: Tip - make it lean towards. North - up. So, push your bill up. ---> make it more expensive.

Monday, August 07, 2006


it's interesting what you can tell about a culture by looking at its language.

in english, for example, we are very interested in discussion. it's an often confrontational language, and it's one in which people like to ask a lot of questions.

japanese, on the other hand, seems to be a rather agreeable language-one in which people strive to find consensus, rather than conflict. in other words, it's not a culture that promotes the asking of a lot of questions.

this is evident in things like greetings.

in japanese, friendly greetings don't involve questions, but rather statements. "good day" or "good evening", for example.

in english, on the other hand, friends are greeted with a casual question:

-how are you?

-what's up?

-what's new?

or as my manager has taken to greeting me after a particularly ill thought out impromptu lesson (courtesy of my new coworker).

-how's it hanging?

this would normally be no problem, as that phrase has lost most of its original filthy connotation, but then she breaks out into her expected answer:

"long and strong?"

or sometimes "off to the left?"

i don't know what will happen with TWO dirty teachers at the school... but i'm getting a pretty good idea.

this brings me to the most interesting area of language/culture interaction-at least as i see it.

swearing / cursing.

the things that a culture uses for expletives are always very interesting to me. they show a lot about the things that a culture is uncomfortable with.

french canadians reference religion with their cursing. "tabernaque" is about the worst word- its a reference to the place where the eucharist is stored in church: in english, it's called a "tabernacle". (for anyone unfamiliar, the eucharist or "host" is that little white circle of bread that christians eat at church).

from what i've learned of japanese, the worst insult translates as "fool". literal stuff (eg "you're just using me for sex" is usable, but only with an explanation.

incidentally, a good friend asked how to say "cockpunch" in japanese. the answer is "ちんちんパンチ" or (chin chin panchi)... but thats literally "penis punch" (or so i was told).

anyway, i really feel that english swearing is far fouler in imagery, and therefore way more effective than any language i know of... though i suspect that russian and german have their strong suits. i would say that maybe i feel this way because its my native language, but this idea has been seconded by some non native speakers.


When I'd originally written this post, I'd gone ahead and given some examples of very foul swearing, both in English and in Japanese. On reading it later, however, realized that I can be a very, very dirty person. I know, I know... I'm shocked too. Anyway, I felt that it would be better NOT to post some of the things I came up with while turning my brain over trying to be as dirty as I possibly could. If you've ever hung out with me personally, then you can use your imagination. If you are interested in the original foulness, then by all means, email me and I will forward a collection of terrible phrases and idioms to you. Otherwise, use your imagination.

In lieu of this filthiness, I wanted to point out that English swear-words often cluster around body functions. A great many of them reference sexual acts or various other body-related things. If we stick to my idea that swear-words come from things that a culture is uncomfortable with.... then perhaps the puritan tradition is alive and well in ways that no one ever expected. Just think, the next time you drop an F bomb, you can thank the puritans for helping you express yourself!

Incidentally, everything before the "-----" break in this post was written on my cell phone. (thus, the lack of capital letters)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Sweet Japan Pics #7: My Favourite Train Station

My favourite station in japan is not super famous, actually. I like it for two reasons...

1) This station has a store called "Nitori", which is like the the Japanese version of Ikea. Admittedly, unlike many things in Japan that are copied, Nitori is only a pale copy of the awesomeness of the real Ikea. While they have the "strange names based on feelings" thing down pat for their products, ...there are no sweedish meatballs. Thus, they get a B-.

2) This station has a sweet name.

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When ever I'm feeling like Shitte, I drop by Shitte and feel much better.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Baka Gaijin

I am sometimes a rather foul and offensive person, I have to admit. I may do it all in the name of comedy, but I can most certainly be a rude boy. Still, I would like to think that somewhere, someplace, there is someone who has managed to behave in a less socially acceptable manner in persuit of drunken laughter from his or her peers.

The other weekend, to my great joy and to the disgust of most of the other people present, I was soundly upstaged by someone who was willing to dispense with and/or eliminate even more dignity than I (um... at that particular time).

Here is a delightful picture of this cheerful gentlemen sport humping C, who is one of the managers (not mine). But, this is not any sport hump - oh no. This is a BEER flavoured sport hump.

Be sure to note that she is only 83% disgusted, because she is still smiling.

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/And no... before you go all assuming stuff... the only part of me in the picture is my thumb covering the lens.
//EDIT: BAKA actually means "foolish" or "stupid", rather than "disgusting" or "foul" as I thought. Still, I've been using it in the correct context. Collocation with "Gaijin" is definitely common.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Depresso'd? F U !

A good friend of mine raised a very valid point... namely, if you drink DEEPRESSO, how deeply does the depression sink into you? How would one ever keep from being constantly DEEPressed while enjoying the tasty beverage that picks you up and brings you down all at once?

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And seriously, who planned this ad?

A: Um....ok... we need a young guy... he's got to have long hair, and he has to look sexerious... not too serious, not too sexy... sexierious.

B: Ok... and what about the boomers, the middle aged people that want to drink our coffee, and think that drinking coffee is fun and meaningful.

A: Dude, Deepresso is a serious brand, but... ok... we can ad an old guy.

B: With a big smile.

A: Ok...a smile, but only a little bit of a smile. And his eyes can't be too silly.

B: Ok... he can look off into the distance, away from the camera!

A: At the camera.

B: Away from the camera.

A: Let's compromising?

B: Ok, Ok, Let's compromising. One towards and one away.

A: Done.

B: And I want something with an edge. That says "I'm bad, but not too bad. I'm Deep and I'm Espressing my feeling. I'm Depressoing!

A: Chain Link Fence?

B: Brilliant!

I was totally lost about how these people kept themselves from falling into the Depresso trap... and then, riding home the other day, the solution hit me right in the advertising gland...

They visit this mental clinic!

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F U!


Sad? Angry?

F U!



F U!!!


Come solve any and all mental issues at the F U Mental clinic... where a new perspective and reworked self worth is just a quick "FU!!" away.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Sweet Japan Pics # 6: Most Poorly Named Coffee EVAR

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An open letter:

Dear makers of "Deepresso",

I have three important items for your honourable selves:

1) Your coffee isn't working.

2) Thank you for brightening my day by trying to bring me down.

3) If you aren't sure why this is funny, you should understand that English words aren't always the sum of the words that you use to make them up. In this case, I imagine that you connected deep and espresso to make "Deepresso", and that you were aiming to help your customers get a sense of the deep coffee feeling and taste of your life changing coffee. This might have worked, if not for one unfortunate thing...

Depress is also a word.

With lots of linguistic love,


/Language links provided for any 日本人 kids that want to be in on the comedy and impress their friends by pointing out funny english.